“I wanted my children to know that they part of a long chain of humanity extending deep into the past and they had some responsibility for extending it into the future.”

Russel Baker

We are part of chain of humanity. A chain that is both our family and the whole of humanity. When we forget that, we forget both the wisdom and lessons of the past. When we forget that chain, we sit and look at our belly button. We never grow up. We are the world. The world started with us and ends with us. Not true and not a good way to live.

We are more than ourselves. We are the dreams of our parents and grandparents. We are the source of our grandchildren and the first source of their hopeful lives.

Do we really have any responsibility to our parents and grandparents? Have they given us anything? Did they work and sacrifice for us? Did some of them lay down their lives so we can live in freedom? Yes, yes, yes and yes.

Do we have any responsibility to our grandchildren?

What do we owe them? 

Does it all start and end with us?

I am halfway through a biography of a legendary NFL football coach considered by many to be the greatest of all time. As I read about his life and I struck by how bad he was a father. He was really bad. Yelling at his children and basically putting them second to his coaching career. He was so focused on his career that he was also a very, very poor husband. The important thing in his life was his football coaching career – not his wife and children.

To me this is a tragedy. I don’t care how many games he won or lost, if he basically ignored his wife and children when they needed him. His priorities were messed up. Football is not more important than your wife and children. 

Reading this biography made me reflect on my life and my choices. It made me realize that although I am not rich or famously successful, that I did make my wife and children my priority. In a very real sense it made me realize that I was better than the best – in ways that really mattered to me.

My life priorities were well placed and adhered to. This is something I find great comfort in and should be included in my letter. Writing about where this legendary coach put his priorities is something I want my grandchildren to know. Be very careful where you put your priorities. What is more important – public success or being a good father?

You want your letter to be sticky. To have your stories and your ideas stick with your grandchildren. If they read it and forget everything you wrote two weeks later, then its impact will be minimal. You want them to remember what you wrote. You want it to help them. This “stickiness” can be accomplished in three ways.

One is to tell stories that they will remember. This is done through emotion. They will remember what you wrote if you can touch their heart. Write stories that move them emotionally.

“Good stories have a way of staying with us for a long time. That’s why the best teachers and speakers use them so often.”

Hal Urban

A second way is to give them portable bits of wisdom. Give them memorable quotes or maxims. A great maxim will be remembered throughout a person’s life. These become very effective when they can be used to summarize a story you tell. The more they are repeated the more they will be remembered.

“Actions speak louder than words.”

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

“Faith will move mountains.”

“God helps those who help themselves.”

“Practice makes perfect.”

A third way is to provide new words or expressions. One of the most popular books in the last 100 years is “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill. In that book he writes about a concept he calls “major definite purpose.” It is about clarifying in your mind and in your life one singular aim or goal. He repeats those three words over and over again in the book. You remember those words and that concept long after you finish the book. Create your own new series of words. Create a new concept like “sticky letter.”

Using these techniques, you can make your letter stick in the minds and hearts of your grandchildren. They will carry your moving stories and your memorable wisdom with them. Your words will help them because they remember them.

Seems absurd, writing about something you don’t have.

I don’t have patience.

I have some, but not a lot. But at least I recognize that. That is the first step. Now I am working on improving my patience. 

It is a journey. I am making more progress. I am being mindful of the times I feel those old familiar sensations of frustration, anger and injustice. I am learning how to use that scared space between stimulus and response to choose my thoughts and thereby choose the way it is going to make me feel.

Changing

“It’s not fair that it should be this way to me.”

To

“It is foolish to have expectations that things should happen the way I want them to.”

Changing

“Here I am again waiting on someone else.”

To

“I have thought ahead, brought a book and can enjoy that during this time.”

This is being vulnerable. About exposing the cracks in your armor. About being human. It is also about the process and journey of overcoming those obstacles. We can all learn from each other when we share our stories of our weaknesses and our resilience.